Rabbi Nachman's foremost disciple and scribe, Reb
Noson, explains: "When the verse states 'ein ode milvado,'
it means to say that nothing exists but God. Above and
below, in heaven and on earth, everything is absolutely
naught and without substance - although this is impossible
to explain, but can only be grasped according to the
intuition of each person" (Likkutei Halakhos, Matnas
Sh'chiv me-Ra' 2:2).
Lord,
It is difficult
After all that's happened,
to hold on
To that experience of closeness to You
I had in the ICU
Life becomes ordinary
The grandfather clock keeps on chiming in my living room
And the morning mist returns each day now that it's
autumn round the corner
And selichos weather is about to descend with its early
chill as I leave the front door for shul.
But it cannot be the same
I have seen the angel of death
He looks like the front of a semi, in my car seat!
And my cracked ribs and shortness of breath
And persistent sleepless nights attest to his mark…
I have also experienced Your grace
And Your helping hand
And the kindness of your creatures the compassion of
your nurses and aides
All those who helped me
My children surrounding my bed
My wife and all my friends and well wishers
The prayers of the community and patients.
So how to live on after all this...
The feeling of bliss inside the pain
The knowledge of being alive in the haze of morphine
The sense of Your presence and privilege of having
survived
This ordeal
What now.
My Tikkun Chazot
My daveing
My immersion
The Tikkun Klali
The Hitbodedut
Uman
Those rituals that assisted me in purification
From a life steeped in the flesh
To loosen and jog and separate
Make a little space for another sensibility
Open the soul to the void and the silence
What becomes of them
Now that I have seen the 'other side'
And have come so close to death.
Where do I go now
That is my question